PokéRap Battles: Dragons vs Fairies

By Fuzznip and Plus. Art by tcrfelton.

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Dragons

Representative: Snoop Jaws
Residence: Lonelyness' basement
Rhyme Style: Outrageous
Side Hustle: Orthodontist

Fairies

Representative: The Notorious W.I.G.
Residence: 10-year-old's fishbowl
Rhyme Style: Playin' Rough
Side Hustle: Sharpie Shareholder

WARNING: BARS ARE BEING DROPPED

Why are we bothering with pussies like these?
Here, hold my beer, I got children to please
Y'all think you're hotshit with breakthrough immunities?
We're muthafuckin' dragons nigga, not moronic fairies
My crew will rip you apart, the mere sight of us will shatter yo knees
We'll crush you into pixie dust, a new scent for Febreeze
Look at yourself ya fat bitch, do ya live at McD's?
I wouldn't be surprised if ya carried heart disease.

Here, lemme help ya break the ground with my Earthquake
Fire Blast from my boy Salamence, looks like we're having steak
"Hey, I can block your Outrage!" man, gimme a break
Superpower that ho, smash you into a glittered pound cake
Actually, anyone want a Powerpuff milkshake?
Bitch wake up, shall I Double Slap to keep you awake?
Listen closely 'cause I wouldn't want to give you a headache
Just admit that y'all niggas are a mistake.

Only mistake that we niggas take
Was for whoopin' yo ass six gens too late
The hell is a Goomy? Looks like what yo momma would make
When I created in her V a la V-Create
You kids are a joke like Elite Four Drake
Outrage all ya want little Tyrunt, cause we're first-rate
My Jiggly P. Fraxures yo ass like it was cake
'Cause we Moonblast DBZ-style servin' even Saiyans on a plate.

You can try boosting all ya want via Dragon Dance
Rockin' three Dragonites 'cause you're Champion Lance
We'll still be sleepin', dreamin', perchance
Cause my rap's Shakespeare and yours is overplayed trance
We're the kings of Kalos aka France
My Gardevoir's so sick it'll make ya drop yo pants
So you better go back to Gen 3 with yo Game Boy Advance
Though not even Rayquaza can give ya boys a fighting chance.

"Thou art as fat as butter," is that what ya desire?
It's hard to handle my raps 'cause they're like barbed wire
Keep huffin' and puffin', ya sound like a kindergarten choir
I'll roast you marshmallows like supa hot fire
Sike that's the wrong numba, you'd best just retire
We still gon' Dragon Dance all up in yo Honey Boo Boo attire
Quit being so Unaware like the dumbfounded Quagsire
We can't wait to wreak the havoc we always did prior.

I mean, Bagon bagged yo momma last night
Tore her up with that Chain Chomp bite
Our own children won't go without a fight
Tell Cosmo and Wanda they need a desperate rewrite
Lemme just give ya some insight and tell you outright
We infest every tier, we don't end with Black and White
Check yo mail 'cause Stephanie Meyer sent you an invite
Looks like you're featured in the next fuckin' Twilight.

Too bad we're breaking dragons like we're Breaking Dawn
If you fought us in a tournament all you'd do is john
I'll salt yo Goodra more than UU Open specs with a hard on
'Cept I'm not bitchin' cause I'm Togekiss and you're Bagon
I'll paraflinch my way to victory cause we're the champs of Pokémon
Doesn't matter if you're rockin' Flygon, Shelgon, Dra-GONE
Charm and Baby-Doll Eyes swag 'cause looks over brawn
Though I could Jorgen von Strangle yo crew and eat ya like prawns.

Fairy god parents 'cause I'm Timmy Turner bitch
I wish this game had a Specs Meteor switch
Luckily my crew's rockin' the most desired niche
Since you're as overworn as Abercrombie and Fitch
Garchomp, Salamence, doesn't matter which
Most fearsome Pokémon in the game? That's rich
All they're good for is making us a sandwich
And Dragon Clawing my balls 'cause I got a lil' jock itch.

Goomy pls, I'll serve you a sandwich in the form of my fist
Yo possy is as annoying as Liepard with Assist
We'll megavolve in yo face son, we're impossible to resist
Old faces joining from their much-needed face lift
Ampharos and Charizard now rockin' the best type to exist
Nigga, your ignorance is gettin' me pissed
'Cause ya might think your presence was a long awaited gift
But laugh at us dragons and we'll fuck you up with a twist.

Boy, your fairy tales have been quite the tell
We're still the Captain Hook to your pathetic Tinkerbell
Is it not the Neverland region in which you dwell?
Y'all keep rolling in the deep like the aching Adele
Man you kiddies are more fake than Papa Noel
Ho ho ho muthafuckas, y'all our next clientele
Allow me to finish off with this last farewell
Look out niggas, yo lives will be a living hell.

Tell Saint Nick that somebody deserves some Torkoal
For spewing crap out yo mouth like it was an asshole
It just bounces off our crew like it was Mega Absol
Togekiss approved dragon counter, 3/3 Quality Control
Got more Dazzling Gleam than a tiara-wearing afrobull
More spice than a Mexican salsa bowl
Spittin' fire hotter than rey talkin' hax en Espanol
We'll flatten ya like tortillas then eat ya whole.

What's Goodra my nigga? It's Togekiss
Punchin' holes in yo team like it was swiss
But apart from all the glamor and glitz
I hit harder than a Blaziken Flare Blitz
Nasty Plot three times and you'd best call it quits
We're more chaos than that guy named Chris
Ignore us while ya still can cause ignorance is bliss
But in the end we still school dragons: class dismissed.

WHO WON? WHO'S NEXT? YOU DECIDE!

Either private message Fuzznip and Plus with your suggested match-up (anything Pokémon related!) or post it in the Issue 31 release thread!