Lifestyle The Mental Wellness Thread

Alore

i'm sorry
is a Battle Simulator Staff Alumnus
(In response to the part of Taylor's message that Aladyyn quoted) Every situation will vary. In a lot of cases the illness comes out of the blue whilst others can be caused by something underlying which the person may not realise until they go to treatment. However, in my experiences, Practitioners and Therapists that I have been lucky to have are very understanding and don't try to delve deep or pin the blame on anything if either; the person doesn't want to disclose information or if they are confident that the source of the Depression wasn't necessarily an event or a specific situation etc.

Though that's just what I have been exposed to, apologies if I misinterpreted this
 

Exeggutor

twist
is a Smogon Discord Contributor Alumnus
Yes, it is. They want to know why you have got this illness so they know what is best to treat it. What's the reason for you going to doctor if you haven't got one?
It's called a mental illness because it's caused by a mental pattern, it doesn't have to be something external of yourself. People's depression can be caused by outside sources, but in many cases it isn't and it's as it says on the tin. The idea that people always have an idea of what causes their depression when they seek help is ignorant at least and actively insulting at most.
 

Alore

i'm sorry
is a Battle Simulator Staff Alumnus
Yes, it is. They want to know why you have got this illness so they know what is best to treat it. What's the reason for you going to doctor if you haven't got one?
My Doctor was able to provide me with suitable medication that worked despite me not providing a reason given the symptoms I was experiencing, if you don't have a reason for the illness I don't really think that should be a reason to ignore GPs all together, though I get some of them may approach the appointments differently to others and if you have bad experiences with them in the past maybe it just isn't for some people? or perhaps the other party didn't handle it well
 
hello congregation.

i have been lurking on this thread since a while know, i dont know how to say this but it made me feeling a bit less lonely seeing people talking about things im curently living, but i never had the guts to post because i have a huge problem of self-confidence and i have a lot of troubles to talk about how im feeling, my emotions ect.

i'm a 19 yo n.e.e.t, i've been feeling really sad, lonely, it is like there is a cloud above my head, i have a lot of troubles to see the world in a positive way anymore, and i'm having a lot of troubles to enjoy things that i used to enjoy, or just enjoying new things despite trying to look at it in a "positive" way which become harder and harder while the time goes.

everyday 4 questions are in my mind:

- who would regret me if i would end my day?
- am i even doing positive/noticeable things?
- what am i gonna let behind me besides vague memories of a quiet and inexpressive man?
- is my life actually worth it?

four question that haunt me basically whenever my mind isn't focused on something.

i'm not talking to anyone regularly since a while, being locked in my room playing pokemon, watching movies, listening music has been my quotidian since a while now, not because im enjoying it, but only because it keeps my mind focused on something to pass the time, otherwise i think i'll become crazy.

internet has been the only way i felt confident while talking to someone else since i'm 12 i think, but since some time i've been mean to my online friends without any reasons and without wanting to.

i'm looking for a job since more than a year, but i have a huge lack of motivation and i have a lot of troubles to find qualities/things that are worth mentioning about myself, so everytime i tried, i got rejected and this made me feeling worse and worse, and i feel like im stuck in a vicious circle until i'll find a way to motivate myself which is probably the thing im working on the most actually but finding something motivating is really hard with how im feeling.

the worst thing about this is that i have a little brother and i have been a really bad example for him which makes me cry everytime i think about him. as i've been in really bad terms with both my dad and my mother i'm living at my aunt house until i find a job, but i know that my presence has been heavy since i moved here. im feeling like a parasite.

i have been thinking about ending my day almost everyday since now 2 years, but i know it isn't the solution and im going to start seeing a specialist soon because i want to go out and enjoy the life as i used to when i was younger, and speaking about how i feel to someone could be the way to start i think.

writing that post has been really hard because english is not my native language and as i said at the begining i have a LOT of troubles to speak about my feelings, but after lurking since so many time i felt like i needed to post in it, it could only be positive for myself, and after finishing my post i feel lighter, like if there is a weight that flew away.
 

yeezyknows

Banned deucer.
I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
 
Last edited:
I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
Well, when you’re alone, it’s just you and your thoughts. The voices in your head, whatever they may be. I’m also pretty introverted and like being alone, but you need to be with and interact with people, whether online or irl, to keep those depressing thoughts from lingering and festering in your own mind, with nothing and no one else to distract you or pull you out of the darkness.

The way I personally deal with any bouts of depression (which mind you, I’m a kid who probably hasn’t experienced half of what most people in this thread have), is to help people, and be that someone to talk to for someone else. My parents got divorced a couple years ago, and while I saw it coming from a mile away, my siblings were blindsided and devastated by it. They needed someone to talk to. Someone to trust. A semblance of consistency in their lives, that had just been flipped on their heads. So, I decided to be that cornerstone for them. That consistency. That anchor that will pull them out of the darkness, and get them back into reality. And with that, I honestly helped myself more than anybody. I know, then, that even through those bouts of depression, in those moments of self-loathing that I have more and more often, that I can’t leave. ‘Cause if I do, what’ll happen to my siblings? My parents? My family and friends? They keep me grounded just as much, if not more than I keep them. So, even in those times where I just don’t care about myself, about my life, and I think I mean nothing to the world, I know that at least I can help someone who does.

So, those are my ramblings on depression and stuff. I’m young, sheltered and uneducated, and I haven’t truly gone through what most people in this thread have, but hopefully this post holds at least a modicum of significance, and maybe even helps someone. Thanks for reading.
 
I'm glad I found this thread, particularly PDC 's post. My loneliness has been a lot more pronounced recently, and my last two nights have just been sleepless introspection. I wrote this this morning.

What makes longterm depression related to loneliness so scary is the fact that it's rooted in the reality of who you are as a person.


Depression isn't like anxiety, where you can assuage your feelings by reminding yourself they're irrational. You become conscious both of the reality of the world around you and the reality of yourself. It's so sad that I'm coming to grips with my loneliness and actually accepting it as something that's going to be part of my life. I'm introverted by nature, and while I have amazing friends back home, I just can't relate to anyone. It just makes the feeling of loneliness so much more pronounced knowing that this is who I am by nature, I'm an introverted thinker, and that's not going to change. I realize how grateful I should be to have friends, but they can't be around 24/7, and the loneliness, and the depression associated with that loneliness, will always creep back. I realized that one of the ways I cope is by learning and consuming information, but that just further alienates me from other people. I have incredible knowledge of music, sports, history, and politics, but by delving into these pursuits I just further isolate myself from the people around me. Because I'm introverted, this is how I cope, and it's a cycle that's only going to keep repeating. I should be happy that this is how I cope, but my coping is just going to further more loneliness and therefore more depression. Fuck.

Why does loneliness make me depressed when I'm so happy being alone?
Gonna throw it out there that gaming sessions can be helpful as you can recharge while your mind is still occupied.

If you're still at school/uni then there should be groups that revolve around the interests you mention, so they can act to mitigate loneliness rather than increase it. If you're out of the education system it can be a bit harder, but there are still ways of connecting with people that have similar interests. The key thing is finding a group (or individual) that can meet up locally. That's down to a bit of research, but there are some sites that can help. For instance, there's a site meetup.com that might be useful (never actually used it tho so idk), and there may be other sites that also work. To meet up with individuals you could even try dating apps and just say you're looking for friends, as most of them allow for that use (some even explicitly include it as a feature- Bumble springs to mind, but again I haven't used the bff mode). Actually I just googled friend finder apps, there are a bunch available but idk about any of them
 
hey everyone - I don't deal with depression anymore and I never actually have, but I've been through awful anxiety that was caused by traumatic experiences and I still deal with PTSD

to make a really long story short, I went through issues with my parents, like alcohol abuse, drug use, and emotional abuse, alongside a long list of other stuff. for some reason, the words that were thrown at me by people never made me depressed, just anxious. but the thing is, feeling anxious always weighs down on you so much, that your thoughts are always not clear because you're worrying so much all the time. being anxious is honestly a pretty similar feeling to being depressed - it feels like there's always a cloud of shit you have to worry about always above you and you can't ever go 5 minutes without worrying about something like "fuck, I wonder if my dad's drinking at home right now" alongside other shit and it just never goes away, literally ever, and it's so annoying and debilitating that it's hard to live with. it also does other shit, like impact your social life and skills, trust in other people, and the ability to make friendships. does this sound similar to depression to you? in reality, the 2 are closely related and they often cause each other, i.e I'm depressed because I'm anxious all the time. also, if it's your parents that are making you anxious or depressed, and you tell them it's because of them, they get all offended and won't take you to get help anywhere. and if you're a male, you're told to man up and take it like a man, so you never get support and you deal with it alone until the people or thing causing it goes away, and that often takes months or years to happen, which was the case with me.

then you just want everything to go away so badly and in those moments I knew what it meant to truly want to not be on the planet anymore, and for everything to go away, and it's hard to fight those thoughts and feelings that come up, like "no one would care if I'm gone" and as a kid in 5th - 7th grade there's only so much you can do and say to change your life situation because the people in control of your life don't want to change themselves for the better and for you.

pretty long ramble and I basically just repeated what other people in the thread have been saying, but I just wanted to get my thoughts out for anyone who wanted to read
 

Alore

i'm sorry
is a Battle Simulator Staff Alumnus
I didn't think I'd be posting here again for a while but do you guys ever experience days in which you feel hopelessness is higher than usual whilst mood is way, way lower than usual to the point even internet company is difficult?

For no reason I could explain (aside from maybe my eating...) I'm experiencing that pretty heavily atm, can't really figure a way to shake out of it so residing in music for now and ignoring pretty much everyone I usually talk to...

I'll probably be okay later as I'm going out to see people but... any tips on coping/distracting in the mean time?
 
Usually when I see myself down and feeling that way I try to force myself out because I know I can be very prone to downward spirals and dissociation even. If you don't feel that it's too bad for you to have those moments - and being honest, sometimes it can be good to have that kind of moments to meditate and reflect, to try to understand what's going on - you could try some kind of more "active" art besides music or try to be more in contact with nature not in a new age way but in the Heidegger way.

Maybe going to a museum or an exposition if there's this kind of thing close to where you live or seeing a play, even if it is a bad one (they usually are lol). Going to a walk in the park or fishing can also be a very good way to keep a troubled mind clean. Basically, if you go out and try to just feel something else, maybe you won't think about yourself or your problems. Usually it works for me when I have to do things alone, maybe it can help you too.
 

Tera Melos

Banned deucer.
Just had an entire group of friends (10+) tell me that they've secretly hated me since we met and only kept me along cause I'm funny / good at video games but now they're sick of me. They all unfriended me online, in games, and on just about every platform we shared but they kept me in the group chat / discord so they could mock me.

Apparently this hate comes from a lie one of them told about me that two of them know is a lie but think it's funny to go along with.

I was doing so well with being positive and enjoying being social but now I'm kind of just done with friendships for a while.
 

Tera Melos

Banned deucer.
I wake up from horrific dreams feeling a sense of abandonment and loss. I don't know how to battle these feelings. All social desires have been drained from me. At this point, I feel as if nothing in this world has much if not any meaning.
I'm afraid and I don't know what to do.
 

AM

is a Community Leader Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
LCPL Champion
Professional help hasn't done anything but let me down sadly.
In an effort to not sound insensitive you need to find some sort of A. Social counseling (and stick with it long term which I can tell you haven't) B. Social group with general interests (real life social group not Smogon and its surface friendly hive mind mentality it portrays). For the record I deal with both depression and anxiety but I don't care about most things in life and normally am laid back so I keep to myself / prefer not to vent or complain about it.

You're clearly trying to, as most people on this site and the internet are, find acceptance and validation from people hiding behind an avatar most times where relationships on the internet are not genuine / fickle in comparison to anything the real world has to offer you long term. You're hampering yourself down over some people not liking you behind your back and in a nutshell we call that "getting played". Happens to everyone and trust me your incident is really light from what I've seen and dealt with in the past. You suffer from anxiety and it's clear you're afraid of being alone long term and the unfortunate news flash is welcome to the club, especially in the millennial era where people are so attached to the internet it takes over as well as translates to their real life and surprise surprise causes lack of any social life for many people.

You need some new people to socialize with and find connections, considering as I said you got played by, again, in-genuine people. Get some fresh air find events or social gatherings you may be interest, join a club YMCA or w/e some shit like that, do something than sit around and let the normal bullshits of life drain you while being fortunate you have a roof over your head or even a computer to vent about something online in the first place. Eat better, turn off the news, slow down on social media aka a cancer to those with mental health conditions, and do some more positive things and it'll translate as such.

If you want to change something, it's on you.
 

Tera Melos

Banned deucer.
In an effort to not sound insensitive you need to find some sort of A. Social counseling (and stick with it long term which I can tell you haven't) B. Social group with general interests (real life social group not Smogon and its surface friendly hive mind mentality it portrays). For the record I deal with both depression and anxiety but I don't care about most things in life and normally am laid back so I keep to myself / prefer not to vent or complain about it.

You're clearly trying to, as most people on this site and the internet are, find acceptance and validation from people hiding behind an avatar most times where relationships on the internet are not genuine / fickle in comparison to anything the real world has to offer you long term. You're hampering yourself down over some people not liking you behind your back and in a nutshell we call that "getting played". Happens to everyone and trust me your incident is really light from what I've seen and dealt with in the past. You suffer from anxiety and it's clear you're afraid of being alone long term and the unfortunate news flash is welcome to the club, especially in the millennial era where people are so attached to the internet it takes over as well as translates to their real life and surprise surprise causes lack of any social life for many people.

You need some new people to socialize with and find connections, considering as I said you got played by, again, in-genuine people. Get some fresh air find events or social gatherings you may be interest, join a club YMCA or w/e some shit like that, do something than sit around and let the normal bullshits of life drain you while being fortunate you have a roof over your head or even a computer to vent about something online in the first place. Eat better, turn off the news, slow down on social media aka a cancer to those with mental health conditions, and do some more positive things and it'll translate as such.

If you want to change something, it's on you.

I've never been exactly sure where to start with the change though. I'm not a very social person despite being well known in a few local music scenes. I don't FEEL Like many people really know me and only like me based off things I do or say online / in the community. I guess I feel like I've run out of fuel and nothing quite satisfies me anymore.
 

AM

is a Community Leader Alumnusis a Community Contributor Alumnusis a Tiering Contributor Alumnusis a Contributor Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnusis a Past WCoP Champion
LCPL Champion
I've never been exactly sure where to start with the change though. I'm not a very social person despite being well known in a few local music scenes. I don't FEEL Like many people really know me and only like me based off things I do or say online / in the community. I guess I feel like I've run out of fuel and nothing quite satisfies me anymore.
Try a gym or something to that degree with seminars / classes for a start. It's basic and not difficult to jump in.
 

Soul Fly

IMMA TEACH YOU WHAT SPLASHIN' MEANS
is a Contributor Alumnus
LPT: If you have social anxiety issues and find it hard to have meaningful communication with people, just assume everyone is as fucked up and poorly parented as you are. Everyone has horrors small and big locked up in their heads. Works a charm.
 

peach

just know that if you hide it doesn't go away
is a Programmer Alumnusis a Battle Simulator Moderator Alumnus
LPT: If you have social anxiety issues and find it hard to have meaningful communication with people, just assume everyone is as fucked up and poorly parented as you are. Everyone has horrors small and big locked up in their heads. Works a charm.
works great til you're actually in a conversation with someone, in my exp
 

RNGIsFatal

Banned deucer.
I am happy that I finally got a chance to share my thoughts today.

I am not posting here because I have a depression. I recently felt like I am close to getting one.
About 1.5 years? That's about the time I have left to spend with my family, or, 'so-called' family. Each day is a nightmare to deal with. I get verbally assaulted by my older sibling every day and my parents are just... unspeakably awful. This is not a rant about them scolding me for messing up or something. It is more than just that. Every time they lecture me, the whole thing goes for minimum of two hours and they are mostly about why am I not changing and they are mostly pessimistic about me in general. It is clearly visible that they are progressively losing a will to raise me. For them, I just seem to be a corporeal meat to be fed and be messed around every day. My grades from school was dropping as well. This made me lose my self-esteem over the years and it has been 3 years that I tried avoiding any interactions with them as possible, and joining Smogon was an escape for me.

Honestly, I expect to get banned for this. When I have joined Smogon, I was initially an awful user and I mostly masked the reason with "immaturity". The real reason behind it was to unleash my stress through trolling. Of course, explaining my situation doesn't really justify my behavior in the past. Every shitpost I have intentionally made, it made me feel exhilarated as other people got angry. I was continuously worsening myself by just doing that. I had no choice; I have no friends in 20 miles radius of my home, my family are awful as I have mentioned, and I am the youngest sibling who used to spend a pathetic life in one of the competitive Pokémon communities until couple months ago. Just to keep myself from staying depressed, I intentionally angered people in the forums, including a user who is borderline the administrator of the website.

As I grew more psychotic, I lost opportunities to ever look myself in the mirror; metaphorically and realistically. When trolling in a website might have seemingly brought me temporary happiness, it made me face harsher realities as my reputation in the community was going down to hell. Although the trolling lasted for only 3-4 months, it worsened my mental health to the point where I could sleep less than 3 hours a day for 87 days (yes I am crazy enough to count this shit) and I forgot how to smile. When this overlapped with my grandmother's close death, and the community made fun of it, I decided to end myself.

The "entertainment" I tried to have was obviously one of the shittiest decisions in my life and I was nearly driven to suicide multiple times. This ranged from cutting myself on throat and arm to drowning myself in the bathtub. The sad (or fortunate to certain extent) part is that I could not do cutting because I am a coward with a pea-sized liver and I couldn't drown myself because I was too tall for the tub.

Every time my suicide attempt went on a failure, I was crying out of pain, terror, and exhilaration to depart from reality. But at the end of the way, I was always left with the question "is this what I wanted from the start?". After multiple thought processes like these, I slowly started recovering my conscience. I stopped trolling, joined Tournament Open games when all expert players were absent, and remained a little more relevant until the time I left the community.

I still tend to take a shit on QDB threads with retarded quotes from guys like ducky but at least I have learned that bothering others is not the way to deal with my own problems, and the fact that it took me a genius to figure out embarrassed me a lot. The embarrassment had overridden my depression and now I spend my days doing something else other than playing 'mons. I am glad that I got to recover myself without any professional help and managed to remember how to deal with stress and make a smile.

I still suffer aftermath of my actions; I sneak into the community of the Discord I was once in and they still meme me about "Freaking out after not getting drafted into premier league when he deleted his signup post" when I freaked out about something else and I deleted my signup post because of close family death, and when I made a post about bullying weeks ago, someone was like "lol did you guys see this guy's post about him beating me in the PS ladder" when the context was totally off-base and I kept everyone anonymous there, as I did in this post as well. I am rather glad I am borderline forgotten from the community and is left with an infamy; the community I was in now serves as a relic to my life. The trolling in the community and the four additional months to recover my actions taught me that I shouldn't force others to deal with my symptoms of depressive feelings, and such actions come with consequences.

With this in mind, I combat my depressive emotions every day. I got to the point where I can control myself, but I still tend to struggle sometime. With that said, I am tagging some of my greatest benefactors who I was close with when I was around:

* Silver_Lucario42 Zovrah I am so sorry that I have to reveal the darkest side of myself, but it seems that I can count on you two enough to share this story. As we normally do, let's get in touch. Don't worry too much about me, I'm not a psychotic person as I once was and I am cheerful when I talk with you two. As much as you two helped me a lot in the community I was in, I will try doing the same in return for how much longer time do I remain.

* Some guy named Azzy in PS.

I seriously doubt you still play Pokémon, but if you see this, please PM me. Preferably before I get banned for admitting on trolling.
Do you... remember the first time we met? In ORAS? We were toxic at the same time and flooded the chat window with nearly 600 profanities and we started spamming "lmfao" like psychopath. That's like the point we got to knew each other. I talked about how I'm depressed and you talked about having "osteodeprosis" instead of "osteodeprosis". Holy shit, that was the most hilarious shit I heard in a long time and that cured me for like two months. Every battle I had against you with shitty Mega Garchomp sets was joyful as we both could release our stress out by randomly flaming in a chat.
How is cooch doing? He is doing very well if you ask me. Although he is barely around and he forgot both of us, he used to copy my Chansey team and shit and now serves as a troll of the ladder.
I really miss you dude. I hope we meet again by any chances although it is extremely unlikely going to happen. If not good luck irl and hope you deal with that fucking "osteodeprosis" and make your doctor laugh to death XD

* Gen 7 Talonflame My second follower in Smogon. Simply PMing me in the PS for teams just made me happy and made my month. That was around the time I stopped trolling and tried to atone for what I did. I hope you are still around although I am out of 'mons. I hope you remain happy.

* Duckymomo Senior, the user that can no longer access this website. We had a lot of goods and bads with each other. I honestly regret making Discord server because you were a horrendous admin, and you and Lance eventually fucked the hell outta the server and the server I once wished to be a paradise for newcomers to the community turned into a meme instead. Still, you helped my when I was about to make unspeakable decisions indirectly by hearing my talks. I hope you are doing well in Ducks > You server. You are still a bad host XD. But I hope you can carry on. Bad feelings aside, let's get in touch later on.

Too much personal stories out here, but this is how I coped with my depression (sort of). Hope everyone else with the same issue finds the answer in their heart and retrieve happiness. Honestly I really don't give a shit if I get flamed / memed / banned for doing this, but I do not have much left to do in this website anyway. I wanted to cover up my trolling at least to a degree and wrote this.
 
edit: i just read this over and its really not a great representative of how everything was going on at once... i tried my best to explain it in words but the simultaneous feelings plus so much more i wasn't able to go into detail about really cannot be explained... try to read this as my life through my condition and how its affecting my severe depression and how ive been trying to better myself

RNGIsFatal

Look. I understand that I'm still sort of a meme in the Smogon community (particularly OMs, where you also hail from) for reasons very similar to yours, but I felt extremely compelled to post here because I felt like I related to your story on a deep level. First, let me give some personal background and explain why I sympathize with you so much, then I will directly address you in an attempt to comfort you. - I'm coming back to this sentence after I've completed the post and while things are mostly about me because I was compelled to share my story, I still want to reach out to RNG and others who may have gone through similar things.

My entire life has been a horrendous experience dealing with terrible parents of my own, my mother in particular is a control freak who is emotionally, verbally, and often physically abusive who I honestly believe had my best interests in mind, however diluted they are / were. I had no childhood, my entire life through grade school and middle school I was forced to practice the piano intensely for four to six hours a day, my record was nearly nine hours of practice in a single day. While I am very good at the piano and I wouldn't want to go into anything but the music industry, I hate playing the piano in any serious manner. I was a kid who cared way too much about what people think - I still do, I've talked to people like Fardin (who was there for me at one of my low points when nobody else was. thanks bro you're a real one) and Ransei and others, and even people who I'm not exactly in a place to call friends but were here for me when I was going through things, about this and some of my other issues. I'll delve into that later.

I was constantly bullied in middle school for being extremely unathletic (something that i shouldn't have cared about and neither should the people who bullied me) and honestly annoying which I in retrospect admit that I was. Those of you who know me know I can be like that. Along with the pressure of my mother and my father, who was not as bad as my mother was constantly away and when he was home he was always, well, my mom's bitch to put it in the most accurate terms possible.

I also compose music, so that was my escape along with my friends on another forum where i was surprisingly popular but was eventually banned for garnering too many infractions (they were far stricter and "cleaner" than smogon is). I enjoyed playing mafia there so when I got banned I checked out the PS! mafia room since I had been on PS! once and saw it in passing. I met a lot of great people there, including the previously mentioned ToxicMahShroom and Wob who became my first friends in the community. I played a lot of games of mafia there and had a lot of fun but back then (almost 2 years ago at this point) I cared about things like roomauth (lol) and all my friends kept getting promoted and then I felt sort of left out and then resulted to things like a bit of trolling.

PS! at that point became an escape for me. I continued with my life in music where I had severe tendentious multiple times and more and more complications happened (such as a tendon in my right hand being compressed and grinding against the bone causing my finger to snap and get stuck for periods of time) to the point of me requiring surgery in my right hand, which to this date has not healed properly. I am very injury prone, and have had a total of 5 concussions, at least one of which I can remember was from a self-inflicted injury as a result of an altercation with my mother and I believe another could have been as well. I can't remember.

My depression grew worse as I became frustrated with life and PS! things, I was obsessed with PS as my only escape from the life I hated and by this point I was having struggles on here as well, in Mafia I was blatantly abused and targeted by a certain staff member and roomstaff refused to acknowledge it as honestly, many of them (particularly the unfortunately pretty inactive roomowners at the time) were wrapped around his finger per se (he convinced my best friend to ban me despite me being told I was getting a second chance by staff which I was actually open to, no matter how toxic I was before), and he was only removed when globals stepped in and globally demoted him (for other reasons too I assume). By that point I was heavily invested in playing mons and was also being abused by another staff member in another room and which I won't say who, but because a mutual friend of ours took a break he started treating me horribly and humiliating me, and some fellow roomstaff would follow suit.

There was whole bias against me in the othermetas community (which I will say, I was pretty awful, and while I've delved into my semi-recently diagnosed (less than a year now) bipolar disorder (the mood swing kind as a result of my depression, not the anger spike kind) I don't want to make it seem like an excuse for my annoyingness and general aggressive tone. I've gone off on my closest friends multiple times because I felt wronged in the moment and could have lost many friends to this. - Wob, I'm sorry about the times I've done this to you the most, you were my first and best friend and you've always been there to be my friend. Anyway, things started to build up, I started snapping back at people who "teased" me or just attacked me for no reason. I ended up quitting OM's completely for a period of about 6 months, due to me getting sick of how people have treated me, in particular a certain global voice and PS! coder who I won't name names (kris, you'll probably get satisfaction from knowing you really got to me, but i really wish you were always like that time we built that megadoom uu team). I'm not trying to excuse my actions and how terrible of a meme I was (see: ompl thread) I only recently came back to OMs because of kind people like Chloe and Ransei (who by the way has always been there for me and never said a harsh thing to me and I've never said anything toxic or rude to him as well as far as I can remember, which goes to show that I really don't mistreat people who treat me with kindness. I can't verbalize how much I appreciate him.) who were extremely nice to me and were open to giving me a second chance, as well as a few other really cool friends (cromagnet42 Zesty43 bdov you know who you are <3).

At home, it was terrible as usual. I was seeing an extremely manipulative doctor and my parents ended up forcing me to go to a military school where i experienced the worst depression and series of suicidal thoughts I have ever had. I didn't receive my depression medication for almost the first two weeks I was there, and they have a whole initiation system that lasts for almost two months where they take your phones and all electronics not used for school, standing at attention for hours at a time no matter how hot or the situation, constant in-your-face yelling, spontaneous PT sessions (physical training sessions, used as a punishment for the most trivial things such as not marching with your arms swinging or not squaring your meals at attention or looking around at attention. It was always collective group punishment too, meaning you'd get punished for things other people did) and it general hell honestly. I can't even state how bad it was. Once the initiation period is over things do improve however. But during that time I considered killing myself at multiple times but due to my circumstances I was always being watched and didn't have any means necessary. It came to one point where i had an opportunity but it hit me that killing myself would be the most selfish thing a person could do. Another tendency I have is that I feel morally obligated to other people but not myself, its why I'll never skip a band practice or a accompany session or show up to help somebody who needs it but I won't care about my grades or anything else that isn't letting somebody else down. It's a blessing but also a curse.

After I eventually made it through that time I had a lot of free time that I came back to PS actively again. However, I was having some issues with people getting annoyed with me causing me to bounce around tiers a lot and get extremely frustrated. I made posts lacking knowledge in an effort to get people to think better of me, and things just backfired often and I got made fun of. OMs, AG, and eventually with NU it happened to the point where I got so frustrated that I didn't know what to do. I know these people don't really know me as a friend and I'm very insignificant to them, but both Disjunction and Sir Kay kindly encouraged me and helped me understand what I needed to change when I expressed how I felt and I'm incredibly grateful to both of for putting me in what I would consider a turning point in my (seemingly insignificant to others but not to me) life that I lived on smogon and PS to escape the one that was around me.

Thats really all of my story that I can honestly write at the moment, its pretty long.

Now, RNGIsFatal:
While I have my issues and I still have problems (I had one last night, to be completely honest.), I think I've improved. I've tried to improve. I used the positive presences around me and clung to them and learned from them. I found out who was really my friend and I found out who wasn't, and I tried harder to not seek approval from everybody. You can't get them all to like you or accept you and thats just how it is gonna be.

Don't think that you can't improve and that people won't give you a second chance so you should keep on doing whats clearly not working, because that's not true! I had the exact same mentality for too long and especially in mafia and OMs I found people who were willing to give me another chance, because if you put in effort and they see that then they will too. I've seen your recent improvement, and I believe you can continue on this road.

As to your suicide attempt, you're not weak at all. Following through with it would be weaker than anything. Continuing on and persevering despite the troubles you have makes you stronger than you know. You're stronger than you know. Keep it up buddy.

I gave a lot of shoutouts here and there are a lot more that I didn't mention, and I want people to know that I'm thankful for the things they have done for me, no matter how small.
 
Last edited:

RNGIsFatal

Banned deucer.
Your story.
Believe or not, you are one of the very few people who have shown empathy to me from this website, or in my life in general. I appreciate your taking of initiative to give a response to a 'forgotten revenant' and honestly I was shocked while reading your irl stories because they sounded far worse than mine. You didn't have to mention where I am from though; I tried keeping everything anonymous for the sake of courtesy when talking about my negative experience. But if that was necessary for your own personal story, I'm okay with that.

We also share the fact that we are "memes" from the community we are from. But the ultimate difference is that I intentionally caused harm while you simply did that out of mistake or whatever that is not intentional. I simply needed a place to vent and act like a dick I used to be. As a result, I faced consequences that I have expected and I was paying the due in almost everything; some (BAN ME PLEASE)ry about me "bitching about OMPL", my association with the user Duckymomo Senior who once used to be my closest friends who now remains in infamy along with Lance, and dismissal of my every post about criticisms / improving something. Although some things were totally unacceptable, I told myself 'serves me right' because I asked for it.

Due to this, I cannot fully understand how you felt when you were struggling to make yourself accepted into the community. You were actually trying to find another opportunity and you actually made like ToxicMahShroom and Wob to ease your negative emotions. The people I listed in my shoutouts voluntarily just reached to me when I was in the worst possible position. I think that is what differentiates both of us despite we seemingly went through something similar on paper. You got yourself out of the struggle entirely by your own doing and maybe with aid from your friends, but I motivation to overcome a struggle came from someone other than myself.

I quite disagree with the fact that "they give you a second chance". You are the one who gives yourself a second chance to clean up stuff you did in the past. Not everyone in the world is generous and this doesn't specifically apply to any communities and barely anyone is enough to give a shit about giving "second chance" to a person who messed up. You sound like "I could overcome my struggle because kind people like A and B helped me". While you might have said this for the sake of humility and courtesy, it really is clear that you are the one who saved yourself out of your own trouble. In that aspect, you seem to be in far better position than I am, because I gave up and left the community and I still remain as a meme when the reasonable amount of time for me to be forgotten has passed.

About people who you still possibly have grudges on, my way of dealing with them is getting to know them. This is quite a hassle to do but once you know your offender, the hatred ceases a little bit. This is not about directly talking to them but it is about lurking around their profile and see what they do / where they post. I tried to pull off a conversation with several people this way in the community and it actually helped a lot more than you think. This was also one of my ways to deal with depression by invoking me to do something like the person I stalk instead of just sitting on a chair and doing nothing. Once you are badged (which I firmly believe will happen soon judging from your C&C stuff), you can find even more info about your peers as you will gain an access to a place of badge nominations.

I used the positive presences around me and clung to them and learned from them. I found out who was really my friend and I found out who wasn't, and I tried harder to not seek approval from everybody. You can't get them all to like you or accept you and thats just how it is gonna be.
This is something I wholeheartedly agree with. I know who is my friend and who is not. It is true that ideally, I should have tried harder to seek approval no matter what it would take. I should have tried even if I had two losses for my team in Snake Tournament because it is true that people like you and my old friends are there to still take me. I understand I can't get everyone to like me and that is obvious lol - especially considering the fact that I technically trolled.
The reason why I gave up was 1. Personal attacks during OMPL was nearly unbearable. I am usually very resilient with personal attacks and whenever I had one from OM's I was usually like 'nah fuck it, I asked for one' but that one in particular made me think that "man I'm not really ready to serve the due anymore, gonna have to leave sooner or later". 2. Communities in Smogon are meant to be places where you either contribute or be a nice human being in general but there is not chance whatsoever for me to qualify in both category; analysis project thingy was a bitch to deal with when my analysis got rejected for "asking them to write it out" when I asked them to "help with overview" and the QC's were just lazy. I spammed OM submissions every month but I either have an ape's creativity or remain in some sort of 'blacklisted users' which I can't really complain about if that's the case. Being a nice human being was obviously impossible at that point and chances are even low atm when I am just talking about shits I had to go through.

Don't think that you can't improve and that people won't give you a second chance so you should keep on doing whats clearly not working, because that's not true! I had the exact same mentality for too long and especially in mafia and OMs I found people who were willing to give me another chance, because if you put in effort and they see that then they will too.
I honestly am not motivated to ask for a second chance. Rather, as I have mentioned in my own post, I am using my experience as a life lesson to not bother other people and know how to take care of myself. I still appreciate this with my heart nonetheless.

I've seen your recent improvement, and I believe you can continue on this road.
Unfortunately, I did not improve in reality. I spent couple months trying to reform but the fact that I have trolled strikes me every day when I made a post in OMs or typed a message in OM Discord. In addition, as you may already have heard from everyone else...

I reported a doxxing issue lately, and during that process, I learned the real name and saw the irl picture of someone in the community. If you know who this is, don't say it out loud for fuck's sake. For this reason, it would be shit of me to go back to OM's in the first place. I was not doing so hot with them anyway but I just can't continue on the road or otherwise I am making a second mistake in the same place and therefore I won't be able to live with myself with such guilt.

Also one person PMed me saying:

[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Ye
[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Btw can you do me a favor
[1:14 PM] ReallyNiceGame: go ahead
[1:14 PM] Anonymous: Come back man
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: You might have had a bad start
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: but I kinda miss you and I'm sure others do too
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: We still talk about you and stuff but none of it is bad
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: Everyone has their rough starts
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: but you did well for yourself
[1:15 PM] Anonymous: We'd love to see you back

Like holy shit man. They are literally lying on my face. I made an account that just sits in OM discord and does nothing and I can still read all the shit. No, I'm not really going on the road where I have to deal with lies and stuff.

Tell this guy congrats for + in PS if you get to figure out who this is. Anyways,

As to your suicide attempt, you're not weak at all. Following through with it would be weaker than anything. Continuing on and persevering despite the troubles you have makes you stronger than you know. You're stronger than you know. Keep it up buddy.
I honestly teared out when I read this because this gave me an instant flashback when I tried to end myself. And yes, I will believe I am stronger than I think because:

[9:01 AM] Zovrah: RNG are you just sayori
[9:01 AM] RNG: Maybe

I know how to deal with my depressive shits now!

Keep it up buddy.
Thanks! Sooner or later, you might see me again some day. Who knows?
 
A thread about depression? May as well share My Depression Story (tm) cause you never know who it might help. This probably goes without saying but pity is the worst. Don't pity. I think my depression was triggered by a specific event but maybe it was always there waiting for an excuse.

Winter of 2014. My senior year of high school, on track to graduate a year and a semester early and finish my associate's the next semester without paying for any of it. I'm happy, cause why shouldn't I be? My life is a freeroll. I still remember the events of the day, but I don't remember when exactly it was. In Minnesota, snow on the ground narrows it down to 6 possible months.

It was a pretty meh school day until I missed the bus. The bus ran from campus all the way to my hometown. I called home to tell my dad I would be late. Nobody answered. I called again and again. Somebody was supposed to be home. I called my mom's cell phone. Still no answer. Finally, my younger brother picked up the home phone. "Where's Dad?" I asked him. He probably shrugged. He didn't know. I told him I would be home late then went back to calling Mom- they were probably out together.

I asked her if Dad was with her, when she finally picked up. A note of concern crept into her voice as she tried to confirm what I was saying. I picked up on it immediately. My dad was gone again, and I didn't know if he'd bother coming back this time. Not a word, not a note. Just gone.

Life continued as normal. I finished my high school classes, signed up for next semester, but something was different. I ended up dropping or plunking all but one class- I got a C. Most days when I was supposed to go to school I skipped and went into town instead. I stopped biking. I stayed up until 2 am on my laptop, waiting for friends to invite me to a game of league of legends and never playing. I was a shell. It sounds weird to say, but being miserable made me happy. Like having an excuse to be unhappy was all I really wanted. And thinking of it as an excuse made it all the worse.

That summer, my mom announced we were moving halfway across the country. I didn't care so much either way at the time, but now I regret the decision and I think she does too. I was able to transfer my wal Mart job but I had to live with my grandparents for a time.

Things progressively got worse. I barely slept and barely ate. I pulled all nighters constantly. My mom accused my grandma of starving me. I lost my job. A year after everything was looking perfect, it had collapsed before I knew it.

But I didn't care. I was perfectly fine with wasting my life- it was already a waste. I spent all my time in my room, on my computer, staying up late watching futurama. Shows like that always mean something if you watch them during the rough times. Anyway, my grandparents took away tech after 10 PM, put me on melatonin, and after a few weeks I was able to fall asleep before midnight. I moved in with the rest of my family since I no longer had a job. Eventually I realized I wasn't really depressed any more. Ever since, I've been worried it'll come back. Especially around that time of year when IT happened.

Anonymity is life
 

Diophantine

Banned deucer.
If I was a flavor of coffee, it would be "Depresso"!

Heh.

bad pun. Okay so I am depressed and I'm making this thread in large part to ask people how they cope with depression they have or had, but also to provide a place for other depressed people to vent their feelings and /or just have someone to listen to them. So feel free to post in this thread.

As for me? Well looking back I think my depression started two years ago when my dad died:[ I really loved him a lot and apparently he died from sort of heart thing because he didn't check in with his doctor so he didn't know it was going to happen. We were going back from Modell's and everything with football gear when it happened, and found out at home. Utter devastation. I can remember most of the details even now. Not having a parent around to nurture you as a child is really harsh, i mean especially at adolescence when so much shit is happening anyway. My mom is usually at work too, so it's like, fuck. I've only begun to realize the extent of my depression yesterday, BUT its been there in some form since basically august 2014, when he died.

so yeah there's my story, feel free to post
I'm so sorry to hear this dude, I honestly hope that you pull through it.
I have had battles with depression myself. It has been cyclic on the most part. I have gone through a few years with it and then some time without it, and so on.
I don't know what causes depression. Some say it's chemical imbalances in your brain; some say it is caused by traumatic events. I believe it's a combination of the two, speaking from personal experience.
But I'm not here to complain about my experiences with it or dwell on causes too much. I'll share some of the things that I did to help me cope with it.

- Pick up a sport. Serotonin, the "happy hormone", is a byproduct of the body doing exercise. Sports themselves also give you something to work towards. For me it was football (soccer) and karate. You also make friends quite naturally by doing these. Join a club, play with your friends and do it competitively if you feel like it.

- I don't know how it is affecting you, but a lot of people lose motivation to do things. In extreme cases, they stay in their room the entire time (I did this for a while). Try and keep to a schedule. Wake up at a certain time, go for a jog at a certain time, etc etc etc.

- Try and find friends that you can talk to about it. This is something that I regret not doing earlier. I didn't feel comfortable talking to friends about it at first - it's only natural not to - as depression made it difficult to make close friends in the first place. I opened up to one of my mates, and it worked wonders. They didn't even have to say anything useful back (nor would I expect them too), but it just felt good getting some shit off my chest. Girls are usually better with this stuff than guys are.

- Work towards a goal. For me it was academic success. I pushed myself to crazy limits to perform well at national Olympiads, get the best grades I could, and to get into my dream university. Putting your mind and efforts to something and sticking to it keeps you going along and this is probably the best of my tips. Have short term goals for the next year), mid term goals (for the next 5 or so years) and long term goals (for a lifetime).

Hope this was helpful. If you (or anyone else for that matter) have any questions, shoot them my way. I'll be happy to help :D
 

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 1, Guests: 3)

Top